Prologue 

* Written in 2014 *

 

The tearing of the fabric of civil society.  The downfall of the American Family.  What caused it?  What’s causing it?  We all have our opinions.  Some opinions are stronger than others.  Some are certain they know!  Is it a lack of religion in this country?  Too much religion?  It is the minorities?  The democrats?  The republicans?  The gays?  The ……????

 

Stop!  I’m sick and tired of the fighting and the utter lack of progress in this area.  So, I’d like to pose this question to every one of you; what about Personal Accountability?  That is to say, isn’t it important to remember none of us is perfect?  While everyone is fighting amongst themselves, blaming each other, pointing fingers, escalating anger to the point that all communication between us ceases, what if, instead, each of us could just start working on some small aspect of ourselves and make it better?  As we watch the fine art of compromise become extinct, a victim to the “where’s mine?!” attitude prevalent in society today, what have we got to lose?  What if we all reserve a little of that hostile energy we aim at others, soften it, then turn towards ourselves and ask, honestly, what can I do to become a better, more loving, caring, thoughtful, educated, giving person, or whatever it is we want to become that is good?  The world around us will begin to change.

 

It took me nearly three decades to understand and apply that theory to my own life.  And then, magic reappeared in my life.

 

The ultimate impetus of detailing my life story in this way came from two significant events that took place recently; my fiftieth birthday and the death of my father-in-law three weeks later.  The emotional impact of these events caused me to think particularly carefully about my past and my future.  Questions began to form, like, “What would people say about me when I’m gone?”  And, “What do I hope people will say?”  

 

This book was primarily written as an exercise in changing my behavior for the better.  In the beginning, the question was merely, could I finish writing it, just for me?  When I did finish, and I realized the writing was pretty good, the next question was, would anyone else be interested in reading it just for entertainment’s sake?  I hoped so.  Only then did it occur to me that sharing my journey and my story might, in some way, be helpful.  If even one person can learn from my mistakes and avoid them in his or her own life, it would thrill me greatly.  Like many young people, there was a time when I thought I was smarter than my parents.  Indeed, smarter than most adults and I was bound and determined to learn just about everything the hard way.  

 

As an adult, it’s baffling to me that we humans almost always pass through a portion of our lives during which many of us feel superior to our elders and refuse to seek advice and guidance from anyone older than thirty.  Repeating, repeating, repeating the same old mistakes.  Then, when things turn out badly, often we seek to lay blame on someone other than ourselves.  Why is that?  Everyone who has ever raised another human person knows exactly what I mean.

 

This story is also intended to be a cautionary tale for women and girls of all ages, parents who are at any stage of child-rearing and anyone who might be considering parenthood.  No matter how prepared you think you are, no matter how focused you are on raising a healthy child, remember that you can never allow life to distract you from that primary goal.  It only takes a moment to lose control of our child’s life – or our own – and it can take years to regain it.  And sometimes, some of us never fully regain control.

 

My husband and I moved to Los Angeles sixteen years ago and have been living in the heart of Hollywood ever since.  We’ve had the time of our lives here, experiencing all the wonder and magic Hollywood has to offer.  As noted in the last chapter, he loves his unique position in the music industry and I’ve been fortunate enough to work closely with some of the brightest executives in one of the most well-respected multinational family entertainment companies in the world.

 

Over the years, we’ve built an extensive and loving family of gifted and accomplished artists here in Hollywood.  It’s been an exceptional journey that we could never have planned.  We just took the leap and moved to Los Angeles and, as the saying goes, the net appeared.  We are incredibly lucky people.  Then again, it is said, luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.  We were both prepared to work long and hard to make a new life for ourselves here in LA.  When we moved here, we had a two-year plan in mind, but years blew by at light speed.

 

Apparently, I have finally learned how to form and maintain a responsible relationship with a good man and in the twenty years my husband and I have been together, he has become my entire world.  He is my best friend, my constant companion and my advisor.  His strength and unconditional love have helped me to grow in ways I didn’t know possible. His unwavering commitment to our relationship is a joy to behold.  If I had only one wish, it would be that everyone, everywhere could find such love.

 

In spite of our success, lately I find myself feeling somewhat unfulfilled in my day-to-day work life.  While we’ve accomplished great things here, I find myself longing to live a more authentic life.  One that better reflects my own personality and my passions.  

 

To some, fifty is quite old but I feel as though I have a great deal left to do in this world and I’m just not getting the footing I need to truly reach my full potential.  Several of our family members have lived well into their eighties – some longer – still vibrant and active.  It’s never too late to change course and improve one’s life.  Trust me, I know.  Every life is a work in progress and it’s healthy to occasionally reevaluate one’s self and try to improve whenever possible. 

 

As I was contemplating all this and wondering why I feel, for the first time in my life, so…. stuck, I realized that when I’m being very honest with myself, I have to admit that maybe it’s because most people don’t really know me.  The real me.  The bumps and bruises and everything I’d done before I arrived here.  For the better part of fifteen years prior to meeting my husband, my life was quite different than the one I live now.  Since then I’ve built a wall around me that I thought was there to protect me from judgement.  While I’m very proud of the progress I’ve made so far, the truth is I’ve merely succeeded in trapping the real me inside my own tiny prison.  I want this story to be my key to freedom.

 

I’ve always had a hard time letting people in.  Trust issues have made it difficult for me to make close friends.  I keep most people at arm’s length and I have to admit that’s intentional.  Those trust issues and a low tolerance for the lack of compassion with which many people live their lives causes me to find myself wishing for the life of a hermit sometimes.  Alone and at peace.  But it’s more than that.  I don’t let people in partly because I didn’t want to share that part of me that I am less than proud of.  Now it occurs to me that I can never reach my full potential by diligently hiding an important part of who I am.  Is it finally time to pull back the curtains and show people the real me?  I’m tired of carrying around the burden of hiding that part of me.  The shame of it and the fear that people will judge my entire life by those few years I spent on the deep, dark side.   

 

In Los Angeles, it’s all about the surface.  Smoke and mirrors.  Things are rarely what they appear to be.  We create fantasy for a living here.  Sometimes, we even fool ourselves.  In the midst of the constant chaos, the pressure of living in a big city like this, we often have to “suck it up” and “just deal with it” if we hope to survive here.  Hiding part of me felt natural here.  Years can fly by as we hold it in.  And, it can change a person.

 

In the last few years, holding it in has become exhausting.  I need time to fully recover from sixteen intense and yes, awesome years in the middle of a Hollywood life.  The hectic lifestyle and the taxing nightlife eventually takes a toll.  

 

Life in Los Angeles, with its wretched reputation of being one of the most polluted cities in the country, crowded with vapid and soulless people, can be crushing.  Many people hate LA and they’ve never even been here.  That’s a powerful reputation!  The truth is, it can be overwhelming but the people who come here with stars in their eyes, only to leave with hate in their hearts, probably had unrealistic expectations of this place.  They may have made bad decisions here, aligned themselves with shady people, tried to take a short cut to success or otherwise failed to embrace the extreme difficulty in making a life for one’s self here.  Opportunities abound here.  Success is everywhere.  Anyone can become a star or a millionaire, if one is careful.  

 

So, to people who have come here and failed - or if you've ever failed at anything - I say own your mistakes and if you really want it, try again.  Be honest with yourself about why you failed.  When you can face that reality, you will become a stronger, better person.  Isn’t it the perfect metaphor for life?  This city can take a person’s life like it’s a little lump of coal and crush it, snuff it out and change its very DNA but in the end, what do we get?  That’s right; a diamond.  But one has to learn how to live through the blinding, suffocating pressure to get there.  It ain’t easy.

 

In my case, I own the fact that I have not been able to reach my full potential here probably because I have been pretending to be someone else all along.  I’ve carefully hidden my past and my mistakes from everyone except my husband, which could explain why our relationship has been so successful.  He knows the real me.  So, with this book I set out to tell the world who I really am.  Tell the truth and release the shame once and for all.  Maybe after I’d done that, the Universe, or God, or Buddha or Allah or whatever other name has been used to label that higher power, would approve and allow me to finally get to the next level.

 

More than once I started to write this story.  But my truth felt too terrible to tell and I would stop writing, telling myself I just wasn’t ready to share it yet.  Then I would remember there was no moving forward for me until I told my story.  All of it.  I had to reveal all the ugly secrets I’d been keeping for the world to see.  “The truth shall set you free!”  Then one day I had an idea that made it feel a bit safer somehow to share my story; her name is Jax.  An artificial recreation of myself and my life.  And so, I was able to finish my book.  

 

I know many people will judge me negatively for some of the things I’ve done.  And that’s ok.  I can’t hide any longer.  Every culture has a saying akin to “judge not lest ye be judged.”  I try to find comfort in that when I start to worry what people will say about me after reading this.  Then I remember, “those that matter, don’t mind and those that mind, don’t matter.”  It seems that in this country lately, too many – particularly those who claim to be the most pious – have apparently forgotten, or never learned that God is the only judge and S/he taught that we mortals must learn only to love and forgive one another.  

 

So, to those people I say, before you judge and condemn me for my mistakes, forgive me instead.

 

“I show my scars so that others know they too can heal.” 
― Rhachelle Nicol', Sunday Mourning

 

Some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent - and to protect the author from litigation - but I tried to keep everything else as real as possible.  Dates and locations are as accurate as I can recall them to be.